happiness is only real when shared.

i am a visitor here, i am not permanent

i feel extremely stuck right now. last night i was forced to clean my disaster of a room in an attempt to find my car keys. i ended up looking through the boxes and boxes of meaningless notes, pictures, and old relics that i keep in my room. my parents questioned why i have to save everything since all it does is create a huge mess. although most likely rhetorical i seriously considered this question. i finally figured out it's because (although i highly doubt anything will be saved after i leave) this is really all you come down to. when you die, the only things remaining on this earth are the pictures and words and memories, all materialized. i don't know why i'm so concerned about what happens then. i have this huge fear of forgetting, that i'll forget something or someone will forget me. this is kind of morbid for December of my senior year. it might be my crazytown hormones but i feel like i'm stuck in a rut. i feel extremely restless but at the same time lethargic. i just sit here staring blankly at my computer screen, avoiding doing any work. i attempt to read and sometimes it work but other times i just fall asleep. i either can't sleep or am so tired i can't function. i go through the motions of school and spend my time wrapped up in idealistic views of my future. i remember in sex drugs and cocoa puffs the first essay is about how movies ruined love for the author. i know it wasn't exactly serious but i basically feel that way about life. i live in fucking suburbia where i have to drive everywhere and spend the majority of my time in my room or wasting money. i'm pretty sure this was brought on because i watched into the wild and i was stunned by how i guess...banal? i'm not sure if that's the right but how common and meaningless my life has been. i want something big to happen. i don't know what to do.

-emily

once i wanted to be the greatest

thanksgiving break always has bad connotations. every year, something goes wrong and fucks the whole thing up. luckily this was a good one involving too much wine and classy meals and being a high schooler. last night i went to a "themed" party and i surprisingly had fun. it was interesting to dress up like a "normal girl" (ha) and just enjoy being seventeen. i mean i really would never wear a crazy sequined dress but i guess it's a good investment for college. i talked to some girls i'm just getting closer with/my best friends and appreciated my grade (something i rarely do). i guess we'll see how the rest of this year pans out. i'm a little excited for it, this is really the last time i can be irresponsible and young and crazy.




- emily

just a thought

i feel like if someone creates something simple, whether it be a picture or a painting or anything, it's more beautiful than something i can create myself. is this something shared? one's perspective of themselves (?? grammar?) is intriguing...like everyone clearly sees themselves differently than anyone else sees them. i don't know why this came up in my mind now but i wish i knew what i was like to someone else. i need sleep and i applied to drexel.

emily

montreal might eat its young, but montreal won't break us down

so last night i finally finished applying to college. this process is very weird because it feels like i'm just doing all this tedious bookwork for nothing. i wrote three different essays and about 15 small essays for this and until I start getting accepted it feels like it's all for nothing. but it does leave me a ton of free time...the perks of being a senior. hopefully I start doing something creative/productive with my time. i think i'm going to get a sewing machine for christmas so I can start sewing again, I haven't done it since fashion in 9th grade and i really miss it. i'm feeling really sassy today but it was one of those nice gray-skied winter days. Well almost winter. honestly i really dislike 85% of winter so i have no idea why i applied to schools in the northeast. i mean, i could very likely end up at ithaca. IT IS SO GOD DAMN COLD THERE. i need mittens and sweaters galore.
right now i'm having a mini crisis (they happen every few weeks). i feel drained of substance, like a shell of who i am. i'm also really anxious to grow up. I spend most of my time holed up in my room and have even started to go out less. sometimes I just wish I could skip the rest of the year/the next four years and be living alone (in the city ideally). I guess it's just some independence crisis i'm having since i'm thisclose to being on my own. i need to do a medieval timez (not like the restaurant) project and try to find some bootleg twilight online. i need rpatz in all his raybanned glory....yes i am a teenage girl.

emily

"It's just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That's not based on any kind of reality. "

stop hey, what's that sound

YES.
YES.
YES.
so close. if this is won, i'll be ecstatic. and plus my republican dominated history class will be shut the fuck down.

-emily

i drove around for months and years and never went no place

i feel so weird lately. right now is one of the most crucial times of my life (applying to college) and i really can't get my act together. i have never been this unmotivated and i am known for my procrastinating but this is really fucking ridiculous. i just feel so blank. i'm not exactly sad but i'm not happy. i just go through the motions everyday and look forward to sleeping in my bed. that is really all i do, sleep and read twilight (okay a little funny i'm addicted! since i don't have a boyfriend any longer i need to live vicariously through another relationship). i know this is a transition period, that i'll get out of it eventually. i just wish it was now! everyone is coming home for thanksgiving soon. in less than a year i'll be settled into college. all this college stuff seems so worthless now, a tedious process that has nothing to show for until april. i don't even know where i want to go. ugh LIFE! too much for me right now.

anyway, i really wish i could dress like her every day.


instead i wear oversized modest mouse shirts that my ex boyfriend found at a golf course, bright blue AA cardigans, ripped leggings, and destroyed uggs to school. clearly, i am a class act.

i wish i was voting tomorrow.

xoxo
et (for gossip girl's sake)

forever heavy

so 2nd week of senior year has begun. honestly, it's already a pretty great year. minus the fiasco of losing my wallet (MBMJ too ): ) everything has been smooth sailing. i planned out all my college junk, and am currently attempting to write the essay. Writing a college essay is actually ridiculously hard. It's supposed to be short and "represent" you, but I still feel like I haven't done anything note worthy in my life. I'm supposed to want to be a writer shouldn't this come easy?! Oh well. So I decided to dedicate this entry to two things:art and movies. why may you ask?!?

Well first of all, i take AP art history and that's all we learn about! Despite my little knowledge of art i wanted show my favorite works of art. and second this weekend i watched annie hall and absolutely loved it. it was funny and witty and seemed kind of timeless, considering my mom and i were laughing at the same jokes. And plus i take American Film and Culture so i have to watch movies and write reports every week.

so my favorite art!
















guernica by picasso.














birth of venus by botticelli



















obvi some warhol. my friend actually got me this book "all tomorrow's parties" which has a bunch of pictures from the factory, it's awesome. plus i love the velvet underground prompting the use of this picture.

















marcel dzama. really i could pick anything since i discovered him over the summer and fell in love with his art. it's all kind of surreal and creepy but really awesome. hopefully i'll get to see some of his work irl.

so far that's it for art. once i become an ap art historian i'll be able to write long, articulate statements about every piece (sike!).

now on to movies!

annie hall:













on a side note, diane keaton has great style in this movie. she has the androgynous look down pat.

almost famous:













favorite movie ever. hands down.

the royal tenenbaums:













margot tenenbaum! sigh. the lacoste polo dresses, fur coats, eye liner, and barrettes. i want to be her for halloween, or forever. and the scene where richie tries to kill himself? with needle in the hay? perfect. (on a side note, either/or is one of my fav. albums and the biggest lie is my best friend and i's sad song)

the wackness:
















i just saw this this summer and thought it was great (although my friend did not). it wasn't typical but it had a nice aesthetic and the 90's rap in it was great.


unfortunately that's all for now, sat class calls. and GOSSIP GIRL TONIGHT! chuck bass. yes.
hopefully soon i'll make a post about my fashionz since i'm still working on it. plus i'm coping with some serious break up business so i'm pretty much an unmotivated piece of shit haha.

-emily

i'm a modern girl but i fold in half so easily

So this is my first post! exciting stuff.
Except the fact that no one i know knows about this or will know! I prefer writing to an audience of strangers as opposed to people I know, maybe I'm just weird.
Basically this is where I can write about fashion, music, TV, life, ANYTHING! How inviting and exciting.

Today was the first day of my senior year and I can already tell it'll be the best year of my high school career. It's like being rewarded for three painstaking years. And after SATs and college applications I'm basically a free woman! And there's already a lot to look forward to. In October I'm seeing JENNY LEWIS which I'm so excited about. I saw Rilo Kiley in June and almost died. Just admire:















for srs, she's amazing.

ANYWAY. I have a huge dilemma where NONE OF MY FRIENDS WATCH ANY DECENT SHOWS ON TV! Do you know how hard it is not being able to talk about gossip girl, or project runway, or weeds, or anything?? Speaking of, this season is bound to be amazing for one reason: CHUCK BASS! I'm glad he progressed from a date rapist creep to a decent, hot human being! And you can't get that much better than Blair's outfits. So lately i've just been watching a shitload of tv, reading other people's blogs (creeper?), eating way too many orange tic tacs, and enjoying working at the library. Yes. I work at a library.

So that's all for now, hopefully more tomorrow! I need to be on a decent sleep schedule thanks to school.

-emily