i thought i would come home to find comfort in what was, what used to be my inspiration. after three months in maryland i found out nothing will be like it once was, i most likely won't be able to lie in my floor and look at my window and think because there are so many new thoughts and places crammed inside my head. i thought coming home would be some release, especially for writing, but i only found that it's been easier and easier for me write at school, to find places where i let me head and hand take over. i'll always love it here, but it would be naive to claim that nothing has changed. although it was exciting to see my friends and family again, thanksgiving break was a little unsettling. every time i saw someone i had to rush to fit my new life into words in under and hour, and had to take in everyones' new lives in the same amount of time. maybe it's because it's november and i generally hate november and that's why it was a little unpleasant for me with the cold and the bare trees but i just felt trapped between two places, one that i'm starting to identify with less and less and one i'm starting to call home more and more. maybe it's because i know that some of the people i care about most won't be here for break and that i have to worry about this summer and visits and all the things i didn't have to care about at school seemed real here. there's no doubt coming home was great it just...wasn't what i expected.

“what is the meaning of life? That was all- a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with the years. the great revelation had never come. The great revelation perhaps never did come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark; here was one.”

i like rainy days of stir fry, talking about harry potter, volunteering at the co-op, being arm's length in bleach for two hours while discussing music, watching bad romance over and over, writing a s/s 2010 review while allie and julia sit on my bed and read vogue.

and i hang like a star

days like yesterday made me so excited to live here for the next four years.

to put it eloquently...leaving here is going to suck.

rave on

sometimes i get distracted and i was looking on blackcigarette and found that love post, the one i couldn't quite understand then but still admired it. looking back on the pictures, quotes, messages of love, it made me realize, that's us, we're one of them. what used to feel unreal has finally begun to sink in and make an impression on me. maybe its because i count the days til we're back in the same place, it kind of makes me a little crazy when i only miss you more everyday. last night you texted me while i was sleeping so i'd have something to wake up to, telling me how much you love me. love never carried so much weight, we say it so much, but i seriously felt it when i looked through sleepy eyes at your 5 a.m. message.

sometimes it gets hard and you feel too far and i think of what it would be like alone.

i mean, i wouldn't die, since i'm mostly alone here, but i couldn't imagine life devoid of sleep dates, adventures, and spending hours talking. you're the only one it's so effortless with, so entirely consuming that i used to want to scream and run around after we saw each other.

i know it's crazy to plan the next three years but i really hope one day its easier for us, where we don't have to put each other through the distance, through the questioning of what each other's lives are truly like, through irrational anger.

i want late mornings waking up near you and exploring cities and feeling close.

i kind of like this love thing.