little shadow

so today was the last day of my english class, and it was a little sad, due to the fact it completely restored my love of literature. today was one of my favorite days so far, we dissected poetry by ted hughes, w.h. auden, and phillip larkin. the poem that stood out to me the most though was "Musee de Beaux Arts" by w.h. auden. It's written about the painting by Pieter Bruegel depicting the fall of Icarus. Instead of having the classic Greek myth as the subject of the painting, it's only an insignificant part of the painting, which is focused on the common people going on with their daily jobs tasks. I loved the message the poem sent across, that although pain and suffering haunts the world, life essentially goes on. This sounds like a cheesy, encouraging message to send across but it in

stead focuses more on the apathy that is cursed upon society, that so many average things coexist with such great pain. Also, I just find the myth of Icarus particularly interesting. Anyway, here is the poem and the painting so you can get an idea of it.

About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters; how well, they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.

i thought i would come home to find comfort in what was, what used to be my inspiration. after three months in maryland i found out nothing will be like it once was, i most likely won't be able to lie in my floor and look at my window and think because there are so many new thoughts and places crammed inside my head. i thought coming home would be some release, especially for writing, but i only found that it's been easier and easier for me write at school, to find places where i let me head and hand take over. i'll always love it here, but it would be naive to claim that nothing has changed. although it was exciting to see my friends and family again, thanksgiving break was a little unsettling. every time i saw someone i had to rush to fit my new life into words in under and hour, and had to take in everyones' new lives in the same amount of time. maybe it's because it's november and i generally hate november and that's why it was a little unpleasant for me with the cold and the bare trees but i just felt trapped between two places, one that i'm starting to identify with less and less and one i'm starting to call home more and more. maybe it's because i know that some of the people i care about most won't be here for break and that i have to worry about this summer and visits and all the things i didn't have to care about at school seemed real here. there's no doubt coming home was great it just...wasn't what i expected.

“what is the meaning of life? That was all- a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with the years. the great revelation had never come. The great revelation perhaps never did come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark; here was one.”

i like rainy days of stir fry, talking about harry potter, volunteering at the co-op, being arm's length in bleach for two hours while discussing music, watching bad romance over and over, writing a s/s 2010 review while allie and julia sit on my bed and read vogue.

and i hang like a star

days like yesterday made me so excited to live here for the next four years.

to put it eloquently...leaving here is going to suck.

rave on

sometimes i get distracted and i was looking on blackcigarette and found that love post, the one i couldn't quite understand then but still admired it. looking back on the pictures, quotes, messages of love, it made me realize, that's us, we're one of them. what used to feel unreal has finally begun to sink in and make an impression on me. maybe its because i count the days til we're back in the same place, it kind of makes me a little crazy when i only miss you more everyday. last night you texted me while i was sleeping so i'd have something to wake up to, telling me how much you love me. love never carried so much weight, we say it so much, but i seriously felt it when i looked through sleepy eyes at your 5 a.m. message.

sometimes it gets hard and you feel too far and i think of what it would be like alone.

i mean, i wouldn't die, since i'm mostly alone here, but i couldn't imagine life devoid of sleep dates, adventures, and spending hours talking. you're the only one it's so effortless with, so entirely consuming that i used to want to scream and run around after we saw each other.

i know it's crazy to plan the next three years but i really hope one day its easier for us, where we don't have to put each other through the distance, through the questioning of what each other's lives are truly like, through irrational anger.

i want late mornings waking up near you and exploring cities and feeling close.

i kind of like this love thing.

i miss summer

i miss new york

i miss home

i miss adventures

i miss feeling restless there

i hate feeling restless here

i hate this feeling

i don't know if this will work

fuck

dover beach- matthew arnold

So my favorite class this year, even above my history of popular music class, is my english class. I take british literature 1800-present and it solidified the idea that i am either double majoring in english and journalism or minoring in english. Last night, I had to read this poem while I sat in my hall while all of my friends were decorating the walls with pictures and putting paper over the lights. I love a lot of the poetry but this poem I thought was especially beautiful...so enjoyz.

The sea is calm to-night.

The tide is full, the moon lies fair

Upon the straits; on the French coast the light

Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand;

Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.

Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!

Only, from the long line of spray

Where the sea meets the moon-blanched land,

Listen! you hear the grating roar

Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,

At their return, up the high strand,

Begin, and cease, and then again begin,

With tremulous cadence slow, and bring

The eternal note of sadness in.

Sophocles long ago

Heard it on the A gaean, and it brought

Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow

Of human misery; we

Find also in the sound a thought,

Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

The Sea of Faith

Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore

Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled.

But now I only hear

Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,

Retreating, to the breath

Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear

And naked shingles of the world.

Ah, love, let us be true

To one another! for the world, which seems

To lie before us like a land of dreams,

So various, so beautiful, so new,

Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;

And we are here as on a darkling plain

Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,

Where ignorant armies clash by night.

all is love

sometimes i get angry that i can be a hateful person

and people and things can set me off

then i kind of get this happy feeling just from life

it doesn't make sense but

even if i'm in a fucking college wasteland

i have little things

like metro rides and wandering around dc

and planning and hipster dancing

and who i used to be

merging with who i am

i'm happy with myself

and i know nowhere else would be better

and i can see things and say things

but i'm the only one in control of it

this won't make sense but it does to me

i like having myself there and

creating what i want around me

your best friend sticking up for you even when you know you're wrong

we might have left home and started college and new lives...but we'll always be a couple of freaks destroying facebook about kyle xy.

today, on the metro ride home, drops of jupiter was the first song that came on shuffle and i started tearing up because I can be away from home and still get the warm feeling of having people so important and meaningful in your life that you feel lucky to be alive.

this is a really fucking lame post but i get to see the first person since i've been at school that knows me inside and out on friday. i may have seen the boyfriend and the parents so far but this is someone who has always been there since the time I was crying everyday about how nervous I was for my bat mitzvah....it's a little different.

i really just want to roll around and scream because i everyday i feel more comfortable here and everyday i get more in touch with the dreamer, writer, thinker i was before i left home.

i'm just really fucking happy.

allow me to re-introduce myself

a. lagy gaga was everything i could've imagined and more...more later.

b. why is jay-z SO FUCKING GOOD. besides the blue print 3, i just downloaded the black album and am obsessed. why was i so late on this?

c. i have more homework than i'd like to admit tonight..fack.

i knew i was content when i was actually distressed about leaving my friends for one weekend. this is my home now.

it just feels good when you're next to me

7 months.

really awesome radio show

so, this may not be a big deal to the rest of the world but, I GOT MY OWN RADIO SHOW AT SCHOOL.

this all began on thursday when i trekked it over to south campus with my friend vicki to check out the WMUC open house. upon arriving to the small studio, I felt slightly intimidated but upon meeting a few people i realized that everyone there was friendly (with excellent music taste). I had to apply and interview first, but the interview consisted of questions about my favorite member of wu-tang and least favorite band. I fell in love with the studio and had been anxiously waiting to hear back to see if i got a show. today i found out that from 6-8 am on tuesday mornings i'll be working on the FM station (also streamed online!), which is really crazy since I'll be on an actually FM station in maryland. It's amazing that I have my own show but more importantly, these are the people i'd been looking for at maryland- crazy, obsessed with music, and interesting. i essentially did nothing else today but hang out with my friends on my floor and get food. but i couldn't be happier.

was i too idealistic?

yesterday i ran on forty minutes of sleep, saw the president speak to my school, applied for a radio show, danced at a sketchy bar, and had one of my most significant talks at college with one of my closest friends here.

+ gossip girl is back on

+ thrifting tomorrow

+ obama at UMD on thursday!!!!!! (so so so incredibly excited)

+ potentially getting tickets to mgmt on friday and seeing wale

+ dan deacon on saturday

+ 11 days til vermont

+ lady gaga in two weeks

sometimes a song restores my entire faith in humanity and right now it is this one:

enjoy world!

spotaneous

today, one of my friends and I decided to fuck our homework and our journalism work and take the metro to where ever we please (probably the best part about going to the university of maryland).

with only our purses filled with cellphones and my disposable camera, we set off for the metro station and decided to explore dupont circle. the best part was ascending up the ridiculous escalator in the metro station, not knowing what we were going to see when we got out (neither of us had ever been). we started the journey by buying krispy kreme donuts and documenting our adventures with my camera. our first stop was a bead store, then we discovered an amazing bookstore with a bar in the back and expressed our need to be real people so we can drink and read books. we went into a sex shop a la ghost world and giggled at the outfits and whips. we found a store called tabletops and i bought the indie rock coloring book and dreamed of decorating my own house. we talked about our favorite books as kids and the news and life in general, writing and our futures and everything. it was truly an excellent day and i felt renewed on the metro line home. this school may not be perfect for me, but i managed to find people who are like me and love me for it. i couldn't have asked for much more.

so...when am i going to be content?

if you don't know, now you know

so for the very few followers of my blog, you all must know my infatuation with gaga. i think she is probably one of the greatest performers of our time, able to cross the more avant-garde and just general ridiculous into the mainstream. anyway, i had potentially been getting tickets off craigslist since one of my college friends is already going and i would be attending with another, but nothing really happened with that. in an act of sheer luck yesterday, i was able to obtain two tickets (for only $50!!) off craigslist (you win again). AKA...I AM ACTUALLY SEEING LADY GAGA AND HOLY MOTHER

OF PEARL I AM SO EXCITED. and i will be sitting here:

in that little box 13...aka really good seats. so therefore i can no longer complain about college park because this d.c. thing is a+. i'm also starting a book/music club with my palz and having a million career revelations at once! life.

p.s.

i just want to trek it the fuck across america this summer.

inspiration pt 2

that is it for this week, my cramps are killing me and my whole school is infected by...THE SWINE.

DUN DUN DUN.

anyway, college is getting increasingly better, and i'm especially enjoying my history of popular music class. we get to spend the class learning about musicians starting during the 1940s, and how technology has progressed since then as far as recording and instruments go. this past week we learned about Howlin' Wolf, Muddy Waters, and other blues artists of the 40s and 50s. I had never really been one for blues but it was clear where rock and roll got its influence, so i actually thoroughly enjoyed the music. i have it tomorrow so i hopefully i have things to add to this blog about it. also, i recently went to my school's newspaper meeting. while i was originally excited to get a jump start on my journalism career, i found the meeting kind of...bland. i guess i'm not cut out for writing about the new bus line or the first look fair, none of that just seems to interest me. i think i'll still do diversions (the arts section), since i applied for a fashion column, which i most likely won't get but it was fun trying. i gave an overview of other fashion publications besides vogue and elle, focusing on interview, nylon, pop, and dazed and confused (i could do more but it had to be short). while researching them, it made me realize THAT is what i want to do most- express my own creativity on my own terms. so tentatively, a close friend here and I are starting our own magazine, writing about what we want. This may be a ridiculous idea that never comes to fruition but i'm tired of having ideas and never acting on them, i'm growing up now and it's time to DO something. anyway, time to study more grammar...

my life can be kind of fucked up and good and i can be happy and sad and torn up about home and college but i started writing again and i want to cry...i couldn't be happier. this is who i am.

i'm still not sure if this is the perfect place for me, but everyday it gets better.

why do i feel like i'm missing something with college?

the start of something

tomorrow i'm starting over. tomorrow i'm leaving everything i built in my purple and fuschia room, abandoning old clothes and the writing inside the closet. i'm starting a life without my parents, without my friends, without my boyfriend, without true stability. but for some reason i can't weep and cry like i thought i would. my best friend just posted a blog entry featuring an array of pictures of our friends and each other and our town and the world. looking over it, i can't even believe how amazingly lucky i am to know the people i do and have grown up how i did. every boy and girl and friend and acquaintance i've met has shown me something new, helped me discover a different part of me, some more significant then others. every memory i have is something bright and shiny in my mind, and will carry me through the awkward moments i'm bound to have in the next couple months and will help me adjust to a new life. just because i'm changing the course of my life doesn't obliterate the past, it doesn't make me forget.

in the next few weeks, i can start to build up that person i've always wanted to be, the motivated one who create something beautiful through writing and has a constant craving for knowledge. i want to write stories, make movies, create pictures. just because i'm going to some huge state school doesn't make it impossible. i'm so excited for this i want to get to school already no matter how nervous it makes me.

tonight my best friend gave me excellent advice: go have adventures. the other day, i had an inebriated all girls sleepover where we laughed and drank mixed drinks and discussed how the single most amazing thing to happen to you is the fact you're alive. these two pieces of advice and the people that shared them with me make me feel safe and more than ready for life.

cahhhhllege

i'm going to college in four days....hopefully that'll restart some serious blogging since my life here has been written about since i was 12 and quite frankly, as nervous as i am to go, it'll be interesting to write about something completely new. in other news, it's my last day of being 17, and tomorrow i get to be a real person and drive with more than one person in my car! hopefully something happens tomorrow to help me remember the day as a good last birthday living at home.

back to packing...

i went to north carolina, became tan and sunburned, read an amazing book, reconnected with my best friend, and finally found what i had been looking for all summer.

more later...?

optimism

so basically i've felt pretty crazytown lately, trying to deal with some irrational insecurity and loneliness and the fact i'm stuck somewhere in between college and high school and don't know how to deal with the future. 

SOO i decided i need to get out of my little mid summer slump, and i had the idea to do one thing that makes me particularly happy each day and blog about it, since being reminded of something that makes me happy is usually a decent cure for my depression. i think i'll start tomorrow, and hopefully it won't be something i lose interest in because i srsly needed. 

on that note, i hope everyone has a lovely day. 

xx

i feel so stuck, this lonliness is overwhelming.
i don't know what to do.

think of every town you've lived in

today you played life with my 3 and 6 year old cousins and my brother, my cousin asked you what room you lived in in the house and we laughed.

you brought me flowers that you got your campers to help pick at work.

you're making me truly understand love, and there's no way almost a thousand miles could break that. 

so in just a mere few weeks, i will be journeying to east hampton which, at the young age of seventeen, is kind of my favorite place to vacation. part of the reason is the location but the other part is the friends i go with, two of my closest friends from camp who i can go months without talking to but have never felt awkward with once. two girls that are barely similar to me, but i could tell absolutely anything and have some of my fondest memories with. one year, i think before my junior year, we went to the bay on a cloudy day and walked onto the floating girl scout camp dock and just laid out and talked and napped and it just felt absolutely perfect. picture example: 

yes, i am the one in the background looking ridiculous. this will be my fourth year going, and i can't wait to be on the immaculate beaches which are never too crowded and wandering the street to the market down the road (which i did once clad only in my underwear and a slightly longer shirt in an attempt to get smores fixings) and to the bay. it's not about partying and getting shitfaced, but about spending time with two people you love which includes making dinners, lying on the beach all day, and stargazing at night. the hamptons is always made out to be some extravagant place where you rub shoulders with starlets and rage at exclusive clubs (yes i read a lot of teen novels). whenever i mention to someone that i go there, i receive some comment about how rich my friend must be. in truth, we all sleep on one futon and only window shop at the high end boutiques that cover the main street in town. instead of going to exciting events, we prefer to mingle with the locals and make dinner for each other and watch movies and stay up all night on our last night there. if you look beyond the status of the place, it's all small, tree lined streets with gorgeous architecture and a beach that would beat the jersey shore any day. in truth, i've felt lately that i've had little inspiration and have been frustrated with my lack of creativity, rarely writing or collaging or creating anything. i'm hoping with my few days here i'll feel renewed, or at least want to write a short story (especially since i received a typewriter as a graduation gift from my boyfriend, probs one of the best gifts ever). i feel a little stuck right now but i'm sure it's just a summer slump due to excessive amounts of working two not so exciting jobs. but it's my last one before college, so i have to make the best of it. 

xx

even though i promised to post...

so, this past week i was consumed with thoughts of orientation and actual orientation. for awhile i had been doubting my choice of the university of maryland, remembering my initial dislike of big schools (especially ones fervently obsessed with sports), only thinking of bros and frat parties and beer pong. i spent the whole week before getting stomaches at the thought of college, and riding an emotional rollercoaster. although initially, i did have a bout of "why am i here?", i realized by 1:30 today that i had made the right decision. while not everyone i  met was exactly like me, i met people who genuinely seemed interesting, and i reminded myself i was with only 200 of my future thousands of classmates. the campus is perfectly picturesque, and i imagined sunny days on the grass and admiring the beauty when winter first comes. i'm excited to immerse myself in such a diverse and vibrant community, especially one where i can truly pursue my future, plus i'll get to visit dc all the time. it was odd leaving, getting so used to the idea of actually living at this place. the idea of home is always extremely intriguing to me, how interchangeable it is but something that has so much weight and importance put on it. regardless, i am for the first time ready to start my next four years in college park. 

inside of love

so even though i vowed to spend this summer updating my blog 24/7 and working on my journalistic skills to prepare for september, i've been completely lacking. so my goal this summer will to try and update everyday (mostly), starting tonight since i think i'm taking  a lazy night in. it's only been roughly a week and a half of summer and i think i need to step back and relax for a little while, spend some time finishing the sun also rises and watching vicky cristina barcelona and manhattan (woody allen fest?). anyway, tile later tonight...

emily

summer

"as they leaned together, panting, he put into her hand a bunch of violets, and she knew, quite as though she'd seen it done, that they were stolen. Summer that is shade and moss traced itself in the veins of the violet leaves, and she crushed the coolness against her cheek."

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had the familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer."

"well, i fell in love"

"ah love, why cut yourself when you can be in love?"

you have stolen my heart

sometimes you're delirious as fuck and you laugh with your best friend about things that happened two years ago and you debate doing a 100 point assignment because summer is finally here and your night is made by getting an "i love you" goodnight text and this is silly i need to do my work but i feel delirious and crazy. i think it also just hit me that JUNE IS HERE. FOR REAL. i feel like summers stand out so much more than any other season, like me and dc say, summer may never actually be good but we always look back on it fondly. 

the sea and the rhythm

sometimes i want to slip away and disappear no matter how good my life is at the moment i just feel the need to forget, people make me feel vulnerable and that makes me uncomfortable. 

baby bump that track!

i've already expressed my love for lady gaga on my blog so..

I TRIED MY BEST! thank you, forever 21. as i get older i hope to progressively get more ridiculous/adventurous with my style, so i'm taking the first steps (they are remarkable small but i'm trying). i don't mean that i'll be dressing like lady gaga everyday, but i'd love to step outside the box and learn how to mix things from forever 21, urban outfitters, american apparel, thrift stores, and the occasional things from saks, which are all somewhat conventional clothing outlets (minus vintage clothing) and make them my own. 

but i just shelved books all night and feel extremely sick due to swallowing an obscene amount of mucus (so cute!) so i'll leave you with this. 

LOOK AT THE JEWELED UNDERWEAR! i caught you gaga. that is so carrie.

you're the yellow bird that i've been waiting for

this weekend was so significant to me, so defining of this year, between tightening bonds and finding out who is the most important to me. but the future was finally discussed, in between quite a few drinks and inside a cool, dark room. it was nothing like i anticipated, the fear starting to creep on the edge of my everyday feelings. but you, you surprised me the most when you completely reciprocated everything i felt. i never realized how seriously you took me, how seriously we took each other. but you said those three words, eight letters. come august this won't be over, and even though we'll be hours apart there are trains and cars and airplanes and we'll always have california in a year. 

the good that won't come out of it

you say i choose sadness, that it never once has chosen me. 

maybe you're right.

everything looks perfect from far away

out of everything i imagined to happen this year, you were the least expected.

i knew things would be different from the previous year, but in a nostalgic, new-things-are-coming sort of way, the way that comes with senior year. but now it's may and i spend saturdays with you, naming our top twenty five favorite songs, lying on the floor listening to elliott smith and talking, sleeping to modest mouse b sides, rolling around the cul de sac in the lightning. i wish this was understandable, comprehendible, not having to compromise, settle for something less. it's overwhelming, safe, new. being seventeen isn't reality though, it's experiencing things for the first time and over dramatizing your life. i spent years convincing myself what love is until even i lost sight of what it really means. we're so eager to grow up, reading prestigious magazines and filling ourselves with knowledge our peers would never know. dreaming of the days we can finally live in cities and go flitting about from parties and starting careers, lives. i don't fantasize about frat parties and class, i imagine an office and walking down fifth avenue. i love my life here, in montgomery, but it's so conventional and typical that it makes me frustrated and drained of creativity. but there are times, like when i'm driving down cherry valley road and it's gray outside, and there are think leaves blocking the sky, that i feel a rush of beauty and gratitude for where i live. it's strange how the concept of high school/college/real world works. at 17, all i know is where i live, my home, my family, my friends, my routines. you build a foundation, create stability in one place (or a few places) for years until they are yanked out from underneath you, thrown into a new state or city where you're expected to live and learn. you stay at college, forming friendships and bonds, but after four short years you are thrust into a world of jobs and ladder climbing, until eventually (in about ten years) you meet your match and settle down, produce children and a home. i'm currently reading this book "someday this pain will be useful to you" by peter cameron and although i don't love it, i find it somewhat relevant to my life. the main character, james, is 18 and heading off to brown in the fall, but he's something misanthropic and inverted. he exaggerates his hatred for college, for the set belief he has to attend an institution to make something of his life. while excited for college, the sequence of events that one has to go through in life make me somewhat...depressed. essentially everyone does what is expected of them, school, college, job, marriage, babies, raising them, death. the trivialness of life makes me want to explode sometimes, and the restrictions it possesses. on certain days i find myself yearning to get out montgomery, to get on the next plane to europe and explore the streets of a new country. but standard makes the impossible, with passports and tickets and danger and fear. sometimes i adore being surrounded by friends and laughing but other times i found myself wishing to be unknown, alone, somewhere completely new. maybe i'm placing these restrictions on myself. i want to see something bigger than life, something significant. there has been no moment in my life that particularly stands out, and i want it to exist. this has taken off in a completely different turn than i expected, but it was good to translate what i feel. the reason i turn to writing and plan on making a career out of it is my lack of putting what i'm thinking into words. i find myself failing to ever truly explain myself in conversations, debates, or fights because of my need to think things through. but i'm starving and this isn't a college essay so it doesn't need a conclusion.

spring

old death cab 

sunshowers

natural light

trees that finally bloomed

the view from the window

loneliness, but not in the bad way

college park is always ready to party

i stumbled upon this randomly while googling something else...isn't it beautiful??
anyway, i am currently at the university of maryland to see if my future lies in college park. i get my barnard letter in a few days. HOLY FUCK. i'm deciding my future in a few days...how epic.
anyway i need to peace out of my room before i kill myself due to too much family time.

inspiration

dear lady gaga,





while some may write you off for being tacky and having no sense of style, you are absolutely fucking epic! seriously, i hate wearing pants, so i completely feel you. also, i read something wear you said you know guys probably aren't digging what you're wearing but you like it so it's okay (basically my life story). SO, i completely fail at blogging and am attempting to start doing it again, i'm dedicating this to lady gaga since it's basically the only thing i can listen to (the fame was written about my future) and there's no doubt i'll be copying the hairbow made of of own hair soon.

love,
emily