i am a visitor here, i am not permanent

i feel extremely stuck right now. last night i was forced to clean my disaster of a room in an attempt to find my car keys. i ended up looking through the boxes and boxes of meaningless notes, pictures, and old relics that i keep in my room. my parents questioned why i have to save everything since all it does is create a huge mess. although most likely rhetorical i seriously considered this question. i finally figured out it's because (although i highly doubt anything will be saved after i leave) this is really all you come down to. when you die, the only things remaining on this earth are the pictures and words and memories, all materialized. i don't know why i'm so concerned about what happens then. i have this huge fear of forgetting, that i'll forget something or someone will forget me. this is kind of morbid for December of my senior year. it might be my crazytown hormones but i feel like i'm stuck in a rut. i feel extremely restless but at the same time lethargic. i just sit here staring blankly at my computer screen, avoiding doing any work. i attempt to read and sometimes it work but other times i just fall asleep. i either can't sleep or am so tired i can't function. i go through the motions of school and spend my time wrapped up in idealistic views of my future. i remember in sex drugs and cocoa puffs the first essay is about how movies ruined love for the author. i know it wasn't exactly serious but i basically feel that way about life. i live in fucking suburbia where i have to drive everywhere and spend the majority of my time in my room or wasting money. i'm pretty sure this was brought on because i watched into the wild and i was stunned by how i guess...banal? i'm not sure if that's the right but how common and meaningless my life has been. i want something big to happen. i don't know what to do.


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