9/18/10

i feel like all the progress i made in terms of independence this summer is going away.
sometimes i hate college for throwing you into a place with only people your age for 3/4 out of the year.
i miss home. i miss everyone from home.
i do love school but something is missing lately- maybe it's not living near everyone, or feeling they have their own lives going on now and i need to have my own too.
from now on i won't be who i was last year. i have to do this on my own.

7/27/10

i feel:
lonely
empty
frustrated
unmovtivated
sad

definitely in quite the summer slump.
i'm losing the very few people i thought would be the ones that would always be there when i went to college.
i always want to be in bed.
my grandma is in the hospital.
it's sad how much i have to control myself so i don't act out to my family.

on the plus side.
my internship gave me an excellent summer...
along with a few people in montgomery that made me realize it wasn't so bad.
and the distance i thought would ruin my relationship won't really be there anymore.
maryland is going to be amazing this year.
i'm becoming more independent and growing into myself.

5/1/10

even if you're gone i'm going to find a way to make this summer amazing.
i deserve it.

3/7/10

i feel extra super ridiculously lonely today...
but not in a bad way.

i was so certain of myself and everything is changing now and maybe i'll leave here, maybe friends will change, maybe i'll relocate a few times,
but i can change things for myself and make things work they way i want them to.
lately i've felt like a shitty person but
last night it wasn't too cold and my mouth was sticky sweet with vodka and juice and
the stars were finally visible

and i could feel something big starting.

12/8/09


so today was the last day of my english class, and it was a little sad, due to the fact it completely restored my love of literature. today was one of my favorite days so far, we dissected poetry by ted hughes, w.h. auden, and phillip larkin. the poem that stood out to me the most though was "Musee de Beaux Arts" by w.h. auden. It's written about the painting by Pieter Bruegel depicting the fall of Icarus. Instead of having the classic Greek myth as the subject of the painting, it's only an insignificant part of the painting, which is focused on the common people going on with their daily jobs tasks. I loved the message the poem sent across, that although pain and suffering haunts the world, life essentially goes on. This sounds like a cheesy, encouraging message to send across but it in
stead focuses more on the apathy that is cursed upon society, that so many average things coexist with such great pain. Also, I just find the myth of Icarus particularly interesting. Anyway, here is the poem and the painting so you can get an idea of it.


About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters; how well, they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.

11/28/09

i thought i would come home to find comfort in what was, what used to be my inspiration. after three months in maryland i found out nothing will be like it once was, i most likely won't be able to lie in my floor and look at my window and think because there are so many new thoughts and places crammed inside my head. i thought coming home would be some release, especially for writing, but i only found that it's been easier and easier for me write at school, to find places where i let me head and hand take over. i'll always love it here, but it would be naive to claim that nothing has changed. although it was exciting to see my friends and family again, thanksgiving break was a little unsettling. every time i saw someone i had to rush to fit my new life into words in under and hour, and had to take in everyones' new lives in the same amount of time. maybe it's because it's november and i generally hate november and that's why it was a little unpleasant for me with the cold and the bare trees but i just felt trapped between two places, one that i'm starting to identify with less and less and one i'm starting to call home more and more. maybe it's because i know that some of the people i care about most won't be here for break and that i have to worry about this summer and visits and all the things i didn't have to care about at school seemed real here. there's no doubt coming home was great it just...wasn't what i expected.

11/20/09

“what is the meaning of life? That was all- a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with the years. the great revelation had never come. The great revelation perhaps never did come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark; here was one.”

11/11/09

i like rainy days of stir fry, talking about harry potter, volunteering at the co-op, being arm's length in bleach for two hours while discussing music, watching bad romance over and over, writing a s/s 2010 review while allie and julia sit on my bed and read vogue.

11/9/09

and i hang like a star


days like yesterday made me so excited to live here for the next four years.

11/4/09

to put it eloquently...leaving here is going to suck.

11/2/09

rave on

sometimes i get distracted and i was looking on blackcigarette and found that love post, the one i couldn't quite understand then but still admired it. looking back on the pictures, quotes, messages of love, it made me realize, that's us, we're one of them. what used to feel unreal has finally begun to sink in and make an impression on me. maybe its because i count the days til we're back in the same place, it kind of makes me a little crazy when i only miss you more everyday. last night you texted me while i was sleeping so i'd have something to wake up to, telling me how much you love me. love never carried so much weight, we say it so much, but i seriously felt it when i looked through sleepy eyes at your 5 a.m. message.
sometimes it gets hard and you feel too far and i think of what it would be like alone.
i mean, i wouldn't die, since i'm mostly alone here, but i couldn't imagine life devoid of sleep dates, adventures, and spending hours talking. you're the only one it's so effortless with, so entirely consuming that i used to want to scream and run around after we saw each other.
i know it's crazy to plan the next three years but i really hope one day its easier for us, where we don't have to put each other through the distance, through the questioning of what each other's lives are truly like, through irrational anger.
i want late mornings waking up near you and exploring cities and feeling close.
i kind of like this love thing.

10/29/09

i miss summer
i miss new york
i miss home
i miss adventures
i miss feeling restless there
i hate feeling restless here
i hate this feeling
i don't know if this will work

fuck

10/27/09

dover beach- matthew arnold

So my favorite class this year, even above my history of popular music class, is my english class. I take british literature 1800-present and it solidified the idea that i am either double majoring in english and journalism or minoring in english. Last night, I had to read this poem while I sat in my hall while all of my friends were decorating the walls with pictures and putting paper over the lights. I love a lot of the poetry but this poem I thought was especially beautiful...so enjoyz.

The sea is calm to-night.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits; on the French coast the light
Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand;
Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.
Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!
Only, from the long line of spray
Where the sea meets the moon-blanched land,
Listen! you hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, up the high strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin,
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in.

Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the A gaean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

The Sea of Faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore
Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled.
But now I only hear
Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world.


Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

10/25/09

all is love

sometimes i get angry that i can be a hateful person
and people and things can set me off
then i kind of get this happy feeling just from life
it doesn't make sense but
even if i'm in a fucking college wasteland
i have little things
like metro rides and wandering around dc
and planning and hipster dancing
and who i used to be
merging with who i am
i'm happy with myself
and i know nowhere else would be better
and i can see things and say things
but i'm the only one in control of it
this won't make sense but it does to me
i like having myself there and
creating what i want around me

10/18/09

your best friend sticking up for you even when you know you're wrong


we might have left home and started college and new lives...but we'll always be a couple of freaks destroying facebook about kyle xy.
today, on the metro ride home, drops of jupiter was the first song that came on shuffle and i started tearing up because I can be away from home and still get the warm feeling of having people so important and meaningful in your life that you feel lucky to be alive.
this is a really fucking lame post but i get to see the first person since i've been at school that knows me inside and out on friday. i may have seen the boyfriend and the parents so far but this is someone who has always been there since the time I was crying everyday about how nervous I was for my bat mitzvah....it's a little different.
i really just want to roll around and scream because i everyday i feel more comfortable here and everyday i get more in touch with the dreamer, writer, thinker i was before i left home.
i'm just really fucking happy.

9/30/09

allow me to re-introduce myself

a. lagy gaga was everything i could've imagined and more...more later.
b. why is jay-z SO FUCKING GOOD. besides the blue print 3, i just downloaded the black album and am obsessed. why was i so late on this?
c. i have more homework than i'd like to admit tonight..fack.

9/24/09

i knew i was content when i was actually distressed about leaving my friends for one weekend. this is my home now.

9/20/09

really awesome radio show

so, this may not be a big deal to the rest of the world but, I GOT MY OWN RADIO SHOW AT SCHOOL.
this all began on thursday when i trekked it over to south campus with my friend vicki to check out the WMUC open house. upon arriving to the small studio, I felt slightly intimidated but upon meeting a few people i realized that everyone there was friendly (with excellent music taste). I had to apply and interview first, but the interview consisted of questions about my favorite member of wu-tang and least favorite band. I fell in love with the studio and had been anxiously waiting to hear back to see if i got a show. today i found out that from 6-8 am on tuesday mornings i'll be working on the FM station (also streamed online!), which is really crazy since I'll be on an actually FM station in maryland. It's amazing that I have my own show but more importantly, these are the people i'd been looking for at maryland- crazy, obsessed with music, and interesting. i essentially did nothing else today but hang out with my friends on my floor and get food. but i couldn't be happier.