things that need to happen in 2009

1. get organized (this is a long shot)
2. do more yoga
3. put my sewing machine to use
4. sleep more
5. watch more miyazaki
6. buy more ridiculous shit to wear in my hair
7. don't take life too seriously
8. read: lolita, life of pi, the fountainhead, anna karenina, more capote,
9. start listening to full cds
10. get in to a college that i'm completely happy with
11. go cross country in an rv
12. kiss more boys

happiness is only real when shared.

i am a visitor here, i am not permanent

i feel extremely stuck right now. last night i was forced to clean my disaster of a room in an attempt to find my car keys. i ended up looking through the boxes and boxes of meaningless notes, pictures, and old relics that i keep in my room. my parents questioned why i have to save everything since all it does is create a huge mess. although most likely rhetorical i seriously considered this question. i finally figured out it's because (although i highly doubt anything will be saved after i leave) this is really all you come down to. when you die, the only things remaining on this earth are the pictures and words and memories, all materialized. i don't know why i'm so concerned about what happens then. i have this huge fear of forgetting, that i'll forget something or someone will forget me. this is kind of morbid for December of my senior year. it might be my crazytown hormones but i feel like i'm stuck in a rut. i feel extremely restless but at the same time lethargic. i just sit here staring blankly at my computer screen, avoiding doing any work. i attempt to read and sometimes it work but other times i just fall asleep. i either can't sleep or am so tired i can't function. i go through the motions of school and spend my time wrapped up in idealistic views of my future. i remember in sex drugs and cocoa puffs the first essay is about how movies ruined love for the author. i know it wasn't exactly serious but i basically feel that way about life. i live in fucking suburbia where i have to drive everywhere and spend the majority of my time in my room or wasting money. i'm pretty sure this was brought on because i watched into the wild and i was stunned by how i guess...banal? i'm not sure if that's the right but how common and meaningless my life has been. i want something big to happen. i don't know what to do.

-emily

once i wanted to be the greatest

thanksgiving break always has bad connotations. every year, something goes wrong and fucks the whole thing up. luckily this was a good one involving too much wine and classy meals and being a high schooler. last night i went to a "themed" party and i surprisingly had fun. it was interesting to dress up like a "normal girl" (ha) and just enjoy being seventeen. i mean i really would never wear a crazy sequined dress but i guess it's a good investment for college. i talked to some girls i'm just getting closer with/my best friends and appreciated my grade (something i rarely do). i guess we'll see how the rest of this year pans out. i'm a little excited for it, this is really the last time i can be irresponsible and young and crazy.




- emily

just a thought

i feel like if someone creates something simple, whether it be a picture or a painting or anything, it's more beautiful than something i can create myself. is this something shared? one's perspective of themselves (?? grammar?) is intriguing...like everyone clearly sees themselves differently than anyone else sees them. i don't know why this came up in my mind now but i wish i knew what i was like to someone else. i need sleep and i applied to drexel.

emily

montreal might eat its young, but montreal won't break us down

so last night i finally finished applying to college. this process is very weird because it feels like i'm just doing all this tedious bookwork for nothing. i wrote three different essays and about 15 small essays for this and until I start getting accepted it feels like it's all for nothing. but it does leave me a ton of free time...the perks of being a senior. hopefully I start doing something creative/productive with my time. i think i'm going to get a sewing machine for christmas so I can start sewing again, I haven't done it since fashion in 9th grade and i really miss it. i'm feeling really sassy today but it was one of those nice gray-skied winter days. Well almost winter. honestly i really dislike 85% of winter so i have no idea why i applied to schools in the northeast. i mean, i could very likely end up at ithaca. IT IS SO GOD DAMN COLD THERE. i need mittens and sweaters galore.
right now i'm having a mini crisis (they happen every few weeks). i feel drained of substance, like a shell of who i am. i'm also really anxious to grow up. I spend most of my time holed up in my room and have even started to go out less. sometimes I just wish I could skip the rest of the year/the next four years and be living alone (in the city ideally). I guess it's just some independence crisis i'm having since i'm thisclose to being on my own. i need to do a medieval timez (not like the restaurant) project and try to find some bootleg twilight online. i need rpatz in all his raybanned glory....yes i am a teenage girl.

emily

"It's just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That's not based on any kind of reality. "